“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
-Dumbledore (JK Rowling, Harry Potter the Prisoner of Azkaban)
There are times when it is hard to find the light. There are times when the darkness feels all-consuming, suffocating.
The other day, I found myself standing outside in the pouring rain, in the middle of winter, in a mucky field, wellington boots well and truly stuck in the mud, knee-deep in pig sh*t, wondering …what am I doing?! The sweet irony of this scene was, the previous evening I had shared a post that read: ‘I do it for the joy it brings’. Ha! In that moment I certainly wasn’t feeling the joy!
You just never know where a day will take you. What’s that old saying, ‘the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry ‘ (Robert Burns) …
Christmas day came and went and while there was great joy and happiness had, I would dishonour those who struggle around food, if I said I was untouched by some of these difficulties during the festive season. Acknowledging this struggle isn’t always easy. There is a tension within between wanting to appear fully recovered while also trying to own where I am at in this journey. The truth of the matter is that healing journeys take time and they are not always linear.
Have you ever known the exhilaration of being released from a commitment that was weighing on your mind?
Over the last few weeks I have been working towards a deadline for a project, but struggling under the strain of the workload. All my spare time and energy was devoted to this assignment. I pored over books and articles, desperately trying to engage my mind in the process but to no avail. I couldn’t gather the information I needed to complete the project.
The thing about this piece of work was that I didn’t actually have to do it in the first place. I felt I had to. I felt compelled to complete it; that I was somehow fulfilling an imagined standard set only by myself…
I debated writing this blog. I am becoming more comfortable sharing my story from a position of renewal but what would it be like to share something in real time about recovery, something that stills feels messy…was it too precious or could I share it with others?
I am learning that if I am courageous enough to recognise where I am, as terrifying as it may feel to share, perhaps it will help another. We are never alone or wholly unique in our struggles. So I share this blog with you, as I live and work through my own journey and if it touches you on yours, please feel free to share with others.
When I started blogging again, I wanted to write to; offer hope, dispel the myths of mental ill-health and share some of my journey. I feel I am ready to talk a little more about this last year for me, so I am just putting out a trigger warning; if you are easily triggered by difficulties around eating behaviours you may wish to skip this weeks blog: let your wise self judge what’s best for you.