I am always amazed by the constancy of life. I often hear people exclaim, “Aw it just never stops!” We always seem to be in a constant state of flow, rarely taking time to be still. As a parent I often know this to be true, until my little darling’s heads hit the pillow I rarely get time to pee in peace never mind enjoy quiet contemplation!
And yet in the mele of our daily lives if we don’t stop we can almost start to lose ourselves to the “stuff” that demands our attention. I know, for me, over the last number of years I had gotten so caught up in the craziness of life that I had lost myself in my own expectations, and that of others. Part of recovery has involved a slowing down of the mind and body. This slowing was not an intervention I openly pursued, in fact, it was kinda thrust upon me when I eventually reached my limit and could no longer cope.
It is no secret that over the last year I have been on a voyage of discovery and learning. It has certainly been stormy at times and there were moments I doubted whether I would ever reach calmer shores. For those who are new to this blog, I have been working through an Eating Disorder which has had a profound effect on my physical and mental wellbeing.
With a tinge of embarrassment, I admit that when I started to really struggle with eating difficulties, I was training as a counsellor. I was learning theory and tools to help others with their mental health, all the while I could feel my own unravelling. There was a disconnect between what I knew and how I felt.
Have you ever known the exhilaration of being released from a commitment that was weighing on your mind?
Over the last few weeks I have been working towards a deadline for a project, but struggling under the strain of the workload. All my spare time and energy was devoted to this assignment. I pored over books and articles, desperately trying to engage my mind in the process but to no avail. I couldn’t gather the information I needed to complete the project.
The thing about this piece of work was that I didn’t actually have to do it in the first place. I felt I had to. I felt compelled to complete it; that I was somehow fulfilling an imagined standard set only by myself…
I debated writing this blog. I am becoming more comfortable sharing my story from a position of renewal but what would it be like to share something in real time about recovery, something that stills feels messy…was it too precious or could I share it with others?
I am learning that if I am courageous enough to recognise where I am, as terrifying as it may feel to share, perhaps it will help another. We are never alone or wholly unique in our struggles. So I share this blog with you, as I live and work through my own journey and if it touches you on yours, please feel free to share with others.
When I started blogging again, I wanted to write to; offer hope, dispel the myths of mental ill-health and share some of my journey. I feel I am ready to talk a little more about this last year for me, so I am just putting out a trigger warning; if you are easily triggered by difficulties around eating behaviours you may wish to skip this weeks blog: let your wise self judge what’s best for you.